finally, the free verse i've been mentioning for months!! i love it and it's lovely and there's so much here that i would never write now at all. i miss summer and watching the sunset, and i turned here to be able to appreciate it because i really do miss it a lot.
i can’t see the sunset today. it’s hidden away behind clouds and fluffy shrubbery. i can still feel its presence. omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent. so safe and reassuring i almost cry.
i am sat in an ugly, brown plasticky chair. i tilt my head back and cloud gaze alone. my imagination takes the reigns and i picture monkeys and teacups and men streaking across the sky - which is melting coolly now, from blue into orange - a gorgeous, swirling mass of destruction.
a feeling overcomes me that perhaps i shouldn’t cloud gaze. am i superimposing my egotistic, awfully mortal, humanity onto the purity of nature? i ponder it a moment more, then let the thoughts float away like colloids.
a feeling is swelling in my chest, as the sunset-hug grows ever tighter. i feel it in my soul; holding versions of me i no longer know so well. i am almost overcome with the urge to lay on my back - right on the grass. to peel away at the layers that create a mocking costume over my celestial self. to truly tether myself back to who and what i am. a feeling that maybe if i can get close enough, if i could submerge myself in the sea or bury myself in the dirt, my Transcendent Being of pure light would leak through the crevices of my body, and everything would drain away and leave nothing in its wake. until maybe, just maybe, there would be no more ‘me’ - only ‘One’.
i peer at my dog and smile, resisting the pain urge. this ugly brown plasticky chair is my only tether back to the physical world. i stare at the way the dying embers of today’s sun light the clouds. it’s sort of a muffled, peachy glow. so pretty. i know, if i i left myself, i would get lost in it; become a being Being of energy, completely one with the Universe. I don’t think i’m ready for that, so i reel in my constant urges ti get lost in the milky tones of the sunset or the cleansing petrichor of the rain.
rain.
rain.
words form in my head while i not-so-cloud-gaze-gaze. i am so painfully aware that i am narrating myself. perhaps penned as depersonalisation? i don’t know, but i am agonisingly glad i am experiencing while narrating. the narrating must stop - this is not a sitcom - but for now, i am content as i am.
the words build up and i realise with a jolt - hey, these are good words! and shuffle out of my chair, bustling my way hurriedly into the study and write like my life depends on it. even as i write now, the words hold my throat, squeeze and yell at me - WRITE. WRITE. WRITE.
write.
hmm. rain.
a phrase from a musical jumps at my brain - you write like you’re running out of time. and alas, i meet my old foe Time. my nose scrunches in disgust.
Time feels so…. cloud-like. far away, and not really tangible, not really there, but totally there. and so mortal. like my body.
anyway, time is evading me again. i know not if i have been writing for 2 hours or 2 days. not only in the shallow sense does time evade me, but in a deeper sense, I Evade Time!
i drink it up and swallow it, like my coke with a dash of squash.
the sunset reminds me how. it is an ending, yet with it a beginning is promised. though it is gone, though the sun no longer lights and shadows the physical pain. yet this Godly Sun still lights my celestial being.
i am vaguely aware that i am waiting for pitter patter on my conservatory roof.
Rain!!
the rain cleanses me. it cleans me so deeply; resents my trauma and washes everything away. rain holds me close and treasures and kisses me. thank you rain, my love of loves.
i smile at the fact i do not hear a clock tick. i am unpolluted by chains of Time. depollution, a mission i crave.
sunsets remind me of immortality. makes me think that nothing pollute me until i let it.
there’s little things too; i (originally) scrawled this on a random notebook because i am too scared the pixels will pollute me.
by depolluting myself i hope to clean the atmosphere of my mind, to transcend Time and reach into my past, find all of my Selves and heal us together. i thank the Rain and sunsets for helping me through this.
the sun has set now. there’s a half hearted glow cresting the trees on the horizon. unlike it.
i half wonder if i should ever share this haphazard, flow of thoughts but the other half wonders if the clouds will allow me to see the stars and watch them through the my skylight; it is they who hear my secrets.
additions - 23.11.22
i still think about floating away. i was 16 when i wrote it, but i still want to be surrounded by my beautiful world; immersed in dirt and the ocean and very Real things.
i immerse myself in words instead and lose myself entirely to pages and pages of them. my own and others; i meet endless rooms of people in their words and i understand who they are from what they tell me.
i meet every single Part of me in my own words. i remember thinking Time kept me here and i would never be able to touch my selves of past, but time is a fickle thing and i leave it alone now.
i am an actualisation of every person i have ever been.
yet i still float away.
i remember realising a few weeks later that the chair was green rather than brown, and wondering how insane i must be. i wonder now if i'm even aware of what i'm wearing, the world simply melts away when i find my words.
i must write more, always more. i am nothing if not what i write, i am nothing without my words.
i ache for a sunset i can watch, but i speak to the stars every night. i draw courage from them and face life with a fearlessness i don't understand. everything seems simple when you learn to speak to yourself and the universe.
i name my journals 'conversations with her and the universe' after a line i wrote in a very special poem. i write every moment of every day and i lose some lines but they are somewhere in the vibrations of the universe and that is enough for me.
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