some nice little bits and bobs from my most recent journal + a little angel i drew who is so cute, i named her jane.
10.7.23
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blue. the blue of my hair. my swimsuit. the sky. the pool. tears. agony. pain. sadness. boys. girls. rejoicing. fear. celebration.
i am blue; the night sky, the stars, planets. how long has it been since i've felt like this?
totally bounded to the earth
...
and i am swirling planets. my guilt is a gaseous giant on the edge of implosion. my laughter is a scattering of stars across the sky. my agony is constellations. my flesh is gravity.
my name is natasha.
& i am married to myself. in this holy union i bring together collapsing galaxies. i bring god back to communion.
21.7.23
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all of the Angelic energy around me is simply a manifestation of myself. how could i not love everything in infinite abundance?
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my fickle enthusiastic heart finds ways to irredeemably love everytbing.
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there's a version of reality where i got what i wanted, not what i needed. these two realities are converging.
there's a version of me that doesnt write. i write for her. i write out of longing and infatuation for myself.
29.7.23
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i'll look back with affection. i know that. i'll write about this version of me - 'somber blue haired 17 year old me'. me on the liminal doorstep of childhood. me with new cracks to fill with gold.
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retrospective nostalgia. i love now because i know that i'll love it in the future. i adore now because all the adoration exists right here right now.
i haven't met everyone who will love me, yet all that love exists now already.
i am so loved; by future versions of me. by future versions of everyone else.
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