looking back on this year has been quite a journey. i had a particularly difficult time in the first half. i often do not share my sadder poems, but the light does not exist without the dark and i really love some of these. and i love the girl who wrote them too.
excerpt from earmuffs in summer:
who am i without
the n around my neck?
who am i if not strangled by
identity?
an excerpt:
stolen moments and stolen eyes,
these are your memories not mine
excerpt from ‘naming a child’:
your name is in the
mouth of God - he chokes.
an untitled poem:
was i writing to
myself now?
hands shaking, i open
letters addressed
to myself
written months ago.
every poem is
divinity and
acceptance -
every poem is apology
and pandering.
every poem
has a subscript
child
weeping and asking
for her mother.
every poem.
every poem
knew me as a child
and knows how to make
me cry now.
every poem sat with me
and watched paper boats
float away.
an excerpt from a piece of paper i found in the pocket of my jeans (appreciated especially because i have long hair now):
december, you haven’t returned my calls.
i want to cut my hair again.
i am pretty with short hair;
pretty when i don’t carry all the weight around
excerpt from ‘fragmentary memorial’ - one of my saddest:
my gravestone - what must it say?
an apology? a thank you?
a retraction?
excerpt from a piece of paper found in an old
handbag:
in some naive way i’m the only one who sees myself and it’s somewhat okay. everything isn’t seen or perceived. that doesn’t mean it wasn’t there.
you still exist if you are not loved.
also from a piece of paper:
i need to write more. i need my hand to not cramp when i write. i need everything.
the whole world. june, return my calls. answer my letters. give me something, please.
a piece of paper found in a pillowcase:
God, didn’t you make me good enough to love?
from an old poem:
and i’d give anything
to just be myself.
to pack everything away
and tie it all up
and float away into
somewhere
where it’s okay to laugh at my own jokes.
although this has not been the easiest year at all times, it is undeniably my favourite. if you’ve read my anthology, ‘finding the courage to love’, you know very much that i did exactly that - found the courage to love myself. i share the pain because the light and the love wouldn’t exist without it. i will not hide my sadness or feel shame for it. i will not hide the girl who felt that sadness. i love her.
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